I would like to thank all of you, those who have supported me, who believed in me, and encouraged me to be all that I could be.
Oh, wait - let me back up a little bit. Over the weekend I got some great news. I found out that I'm a genius.
I know, many of you are saying to yourselves, "No surprise to me. Why, just look at the pearls of wisdom that man dishes out each and every week."
And that is why I would like to thank all of the little people with whom I have rubbed shoulders on my way up the ladder to geniusdom.
So how did I realize I was in possession of such a gift?
Online testing, of course.
I was singled out, by way of an exclusive email campaign, to take an IQ test, and as I've mentioned on these pages before, if it's online, it must be true.
Contained on this website were several versions of the test, the longest of which was more than 300 questions long.
I decided on this version for two reasons. First of all, more questions obviously means more brains are needed to finish it, and two, I get paid by the hour.
The first series of questions dealt with trains, passengers, and clocks. Oh, and miles.
Obviously, this was a trick question as anyone that concerned about what time they are getting to Chicago no doubt would have taken a plane. So I, of course, left that one blank. A clear sign of thinking outside the box and a demonstration of advanced intellect.
Speaking of boxes, the next series of questions were a series of shapes - boxes, triangles, circles, and those stop sign-ny things.
I'm fairly sure the object was to find the difference between the blue shapes and the red shapes. Yep, aced it.
Next up was word association, followed by an inkblot test where everything looked liked squished bugs, so I think this also doubled as the science portion.
Next was the math test. The questions were based on a man who had some apples, then gave some away, then got some more, and then ... well, at that point I got a little hungry and ran over to Safeway for some fruit.
When I got back, the test had timed out, which meant that I must have already answered enough questions for the company to determine that I ranked high enough to reach genius status.
I scored in the top 1 percent. Yep, right there in the middle of the screen was a big flashing "1%."
I really shouldn't have been too surprised. Even in high school, one of my teachers told me that I had already surpassed her learning expectations. On several occasions I could hear her saying, "I can't teach you anything."
As you may have guessed, with my new geniosity comes, not just great power, but great responsibility as well.
What will I do with my vast knowledge? What great things will I accomplish with my obvious advanced abilities? World peace? Global warming?
Soon after completing the test and sending over the cashiers check for the Certificate of Genius - it must be some fancy certificate, it cost a bundle - I began receiving emails from an African prince who needs my help with some sort of financial problem.